Dreaming Of A Perfect World
Wednesday - August 15, 2007
In a perfect world:
Politicians would be required to fulfill 90 percent of their campaign promises.
Mayonnaise, and all things made of it, would be good for you.
Matsumoto Shave Ice would open in Kakaako.
Jimmy Carter would become mute.
Barry Bonds would apologize for whatever it was that pissed everybody off.
Fat men would be attractive and washboard stomachs would be repulsive.
Rosie O’Donnell would become mute.
Hawaii would have a NASCAR event.
Housecleaning would be a municipal service, like trash pickup.
Drunk drivers would stop driving when they are drunk.
Government would stop being hypocrites when it comes to smoking. They ban you from using it, but they tax the hell out of you for buying it.
Sean Penn would become mute.
Children would call their parents once a week when they move away.
Men would lift the seat.
Women would stop nagging men to lift the seat.
Pedophiles and child molesters would be executed.
Tiger Woods would call me for 18.
Honolulu would have a healthy drive-through restaurant.
Kids would say “Yes, Sir” and “No, Ma’am.”
Pierced tongues would be banned for those dealing with customers.
The federal tax system, as we know it, would be replaced with a consumption tax.
Hawaii public schools would be as good as private schools.
Geraldo Rivera would become mute.
A thousand Puerto Ricans would come to Hawaii and take back all those damn coqui frogs.
We would all wake up to find the rail transit project was a bad dream.
Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears would stop. Just stop it!
Wisteria, Canlis, Captain’s Table and Masa’s would be in a new food court ... somewhere.
HPD would get an immediate 30 percent raise.
All MidWeek columnists would get an immediate 30 percent raise.
Your Oceanic remote control would work on your microwave so you could make popcorn from the sofa.
My kids will always love me.
Ala Moana Center merchandise at swap meet prices.
Rick Hamada would become mute.
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