Time To Make Eggs Illegal

Rick Hamada
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Wednesday - March 19, 2008

I am certain we have all heard about “Egg-gate” in Lanikai. For those of you living under the Burmeister overpass, former Bishop Estate trustee Gerard Jervis got fed up with punky kids egging his neighborhood and his house. When a SUV load of aforementioned punky kids lobbed a couple of chicken embryos into his yard, Jervis (who is a practicing attorney) jumped behind the wheel of his car and, fueled with anger and a few cocktails, proceeded to give chase.

The details are sketchy at the time of this writing, but either Jervis slammed into the back of the teen-filled SUV and caused it to crash, or Jervis simply collided into the rear of the SUV as it dangled from a set of electrical guy wires. Regardless, the incident had the community awash with conversation.

Here’s the bottom line. If the punk kids didn’t spray the neighborhood with eggs, there wouldn’t be an issue. The Big Fat Finger of Blame points squarely at the middle of the pointy heads of each of these “kids.”

Is there nothing else for big, strapping Saint Louis football players to do on a Friday night? Have you heard of dating? Girls? I mean, for the cost of a couple dozen eggs, they could have caught a movie and a musubi.


We are missing the real story here. It’s not that a disgraced prominent figure was involved in an inebriated, anger-charged, high-speed chase of four teenagers. It’s not that an SUV full of esteemed private school student athletes were out defacing private property for no apparent reason.

The real story is that the public must be disarmed of the weapon that is truly to blame.

Yes, it boils down to the egg. It’s the egg’s fault. The Legislature must enact a law banning the sale, possession and use of an egg. If not an outright ban, then strict ownership and possession guidelines must be established. Before an egg license is awarded, a background check of all potential egg owners must include a five-day waiting period. A psychiatric examination conducted by a state expert must be taken, and the results will be posted online at www.iwannaegg.com. Upon approval, the results will be updated at www.igottaegg.com.

Why?

Because the public has a right to know. Sen. Sam Slom will surely introduce legislation that allows law-abiding citizens to conceal and carry their eggs. Of course, this will be met with stiff opposition from the Honolulu Police Department, claiming too many privately held eggs pose a threat to our community. I mean, if there is an altercation at an intersection, what if someone loses their cool and pulls out their egg? Only one incident could lead to scrambled eggs, and who really wants that?


We must control the size of a citizen’s egg. Law enforcement can possess extra-large, but the public may possess only medium. If you want a large brown, forget about it. This is Hawaii, remember? In light of the Lanikai incident, all eggs must be serialized. We must be able to trace the spent shells to the owner. Non-registered eggs will be seized, and those in possession of non-numbered eggs will face a penalty of being rolled over ... easy. Those using eggs in the commission of a crime will receive a sentence of life in prison without the possibility of parole, for obvious reasons.

And, for God’s sake, please keep eggs out of the hands of our keiki. Egg owners must purchase shell hardeners for all eggs stored in the home. This is to prevent accidental breakage, which would endanger the lives of children who discover Daddy’s egg in the closet.

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