A Formula For Public Humiliation

Steve Murray
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Wednesday - July 16, 2008
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Thankfully, because of the testimony by “Mistress Switch,” we can now put to rest any official connection between Formula One racing and Nazi-themed spanking parties. What a relief. Now the only thing that Max Mosley has to worry about is turning more tricks for Dino Ferrari.

The F-1 president with an alleged Luftwaffe and whipped cream fetish has brought suit against the British tabloid, News of the World, after it reported that he and five members of the International Sisterhood of Late-night Horizontal Laborers had engaged in some Third Reich role playing. Mosley corrected the story, saying that while he is a fan of S&M, M&M’s and even STP - should the boys at Ferrari deem it worthy of consumption - that he and his consorts at no time entered into Nazi role playing and that such dark practices are reserved for judgments against McLaren.

Just to clarify things, Mosley and his colleagues were just taking part in an adult version of cowboys and Indians, said Switch, where the prisoner is roughly rehabilitated by busty guards with bull whips in a fantasy role play imagined by everyone at Stalag 13 and involving Helga and Hilda. That is, when the twin salutes to Germanic temptation weren’t hooking up with Col. Hogan.

Striking a blow against the customary rules of absolute discretion that sent shock waves through the titillation industry was the revelation that one of the participants, known as “E” in court documents, taped the nasty affair for the tabloid. The badly shot video shows the rather conservative-dressed “mistress” searching the boss of the multibillion-dollar racing organization for lice and punishing him for a history of unstated crimes, followed by poorly acted warnings of future such treatment. Evidently, Mosley has been a very, very bad boy. However, unlike the tunnel-digging leader of the allied espionage experts, Mosley was allowed to turn the physical tables and provide some back-pocket bruising to his jailers, who suddenly appear in Keystone Kop era prison garb. Seems the German penal system is as good as our own when it comes to rehabilitation.

Switch, the evening’s events coordinator, told the High Court that Mosley is hardly a degenerate and that he, in fact, has more in common with Col. Klink, the dim but not evil Prussian social climber, rather than Maj. Hochstetter, the often angry Gestapo leader who always chaffed at Hogan’s free-range entrance into his captor’s office. As convincing as Miss Switch is in matters of proper social behavior, her take on her former prisoner bears examination as it has long been recognized that Klink, who hated to part with even a single Lagergeld, would cough up the equivalent of $4,953 just to get butt-whopped when Gen. Burkhalter gladly provided the service for free.

It remains to be seen if Mosley will be successful in his lawsuit. The monetary award being sought has not been announced, but the scuttlebutt around the hot wax dispenser has Mosley asking for $25,000, or five spankings, while re-enacting the Malta Conference.

One area in which he has been successful is fighting off calls for his firing. A June 3 vote over confidence in his leadership was returned 103-55 in his favor, and it appears that at least for now the only spanking he’ll take is by high gas prices and a bad economy that may force teams to trim their 1,000-person payrolls. This won’t be easy, considering F-1 is introducing hybrid technology next year to reduce emissions with the hope of lowering fuel usage 50 percent by 2015.

Though Hitler was present at Mosley’s wedding in Joseph Goebbels’drawing room - true story - Mosley’s hold on the job seems as secure as the Eva Braun Stirrup Swing and Truss Bar - Blondi Collars free with purchases of $50 or more. So unless the News can prove its accusations or if Mosley’s PR firm cannot spin a better tale than they did for Heather Mills, the Formula One boss will continue to run racing and take his costly lumps with pleasure and chains.

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