MLB Pinches Canseco In The Lua

Steve Murray
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Wednesday - April 09, 2008
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Not since Larry Craig relieved himself in a Minneapolis airport bathroom while humming the opening score to La Cage Aux Folles has the cloak-and-dagger world of titillating back-door investigations taken such an unusual turn. Last week, Jose Canseco found himself face to face with baseball’s Keystone Kops of steroidal investigators in the private reading room of a Manhattan Barnes & Noble.

Canseco was at the bookseller peddling his latest version of Chicken Soup for the Vindictive Soul when he was approached by investigators who have been tasked by Bud Selig to flush out any wrong-doers, so long as they don’t reside in team or league offices.

Canseco was escorted to a second-floor restroom where two security guards blocked the entrance from anyone wanting to spend a few quiet moments with French Impressionist paintings. Once inside the tiled dome of silence, the investigators picked Canseco for information about steroid use while setting up possible future rendezvous to help baseball determine whether or not St. Gregory was correct in his belief that a secure commode was indeed the best place for uninterrupted reading, or that the St. Gregory Hotel and Suites in Washington, D.C., really does have luxurious bathrooms as reported by tripadvisor.com. A spokesperson for his publisher Simon & Schuster confirmed that Canseco would be hitting future rooms of repose in Boston, Chicago, L.A. San Diego, Oakland and San Francisco.


Citing a universal rule of men’s room conversation that limits discussion among even the closest of allies to little more than a nod and a possible “Sup” with absolutely no vertical eye movement, Canseco’s attorney Robert Saunooke said he was in shock at the meeting. An appropriate response, but one that suddenly degraded and becomes a bit unnerving when, according to Florida Today, Saunooke disturbingly added, “I’ve got goose bumps.” Possibly so did the 150 people waiting in line to purchase Canseco’s list of Big Names, Big Liars, and his Battle to Save Baseball, but unlike Canseco’s legal counsel they weren’t being confined to a room where the biggest recreational activity is playing water hockey with a urinal cake.

What exactly is baseball’s interest in Jose after all these years remains to be seen. They gave him a wide berth after the publication of his first book even after it proved to be unsettlingly accurate. He’s testified before Congress and talked with George Mitchell during his investigation into the use of illegal performance-enhancing drugs, but until now he has had no official dealings directly with Major League Baseball. Maybe Selig is finally paying attention. Maybe he just wants to play Alex Rodriguez for a day and make a run at Canseco’s former wife or at least be an observer at the next Jessica Canseco/Debbie Clemens boob comparison party where no talk of steroids ever occurred. No word yet on whether Magglio Ordonez also tried to go through the former Hooters waitress’s drive through, but the smart money on league interest involves squashing any future editions of Jose Canseco’s Baseball Camp.

In 1989, the mulleted, stuttering slugger tried to keep his athletically challenged students awake with such expert advise as “hit the ball harder” and “aim for the middle of the ball.”


And while Canseco may never be mentioned with Ted Williams or Charlie Lau when discussions arise about the masters of hitting theory, he did recognize the importance of nutrition and developing a proper athletic physique. In a performance more wooden that anything William Shatner could have conjured up, Bill Foran, a former strength and conditioning coach at the University of Miami, warned the kids about the dangers of steroids as Canseco nods in agreement while conjuring up images of the Moscow Music Peace Festival, which brought together the likes of Ozzy Osbourne and Motley Crue to promote a drug-free Soviet Union.

Even if Canseco’s next trek into the world of literary prowess finds no bidders for One More Dead Horse to Kick: A Final Grab for Cash, he’ll always have Manhattan.

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