Presents For The Naughty And Nice

Steve Murray
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Wednesday - December 26, 2007
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In the midst of a holiday season filled with the warmth of family and the blissful joy of crowded parking lots and manic shoppers looking for that last-minute, must-have, over-hyped, overpriced, soon-to-be-ignored for something with a bigger advertising budget comes a list of holiday wishes for those with better things to think about.

Colt Brennan - Privacy. Brennan has been in such demand after a record-setting 2006, snubbing the NFL and an undefeated season, that fans had started hanging outside his classes with bags full of soon-to-be eBay paraphernalia just awaiting the necessary ink to make them truly marketable. Get away, take a break and tell no one where you are going.

Ikaika Alama-Francis and Samson Satele - Two tickets home. No one is more deserving of some beach time than these two former Warriors. Alama-Francis may have thought the 50-year history of ineptitude had ended with the Detroit Lions’ 6-2 start, but reality quickly set in as the team lost six straight to once again erase any doubt about the worst franchise in professional sports. It was even worse for Satele, who had the rare honor of becoming a rookie starter with the Dolphins, only to lose 13 straight. Enjoy the time off.

Michelle Wie - Time. Time away from the PGA tour and time for classes. Time with friends and time away from Mom and Dad. Time on the practice range, time away from feelings of entitlement and enough time to recapture the future that not so long ago seemed destined. The good news is that it looks like she’s going to do just that.

Bob Nash - Company. After a long wait, UH basketball fans finally got the coach they wanted, but through nine games he’s been working in relative anonymity. With the late start and the implementation of a new system the team has struggled, but there have been many moments of excitement. Things aren’t going to get any better playing before an empty house.

Bud Selig - A mirror. Not that he would ever use it. Baseball has never been more popular, profitable or dirty as the league has wallowed in the filth of near-open illegal drug use for two decades. The now infamous Mitchell report has cast a wide net of blame on everyone but the commissioner’s office, and Selig has threatened action against the players named in the investigation. Selig can punish whomever he wants, but until he looks at himself, any action will be hypocritical.

Congress - A newspaper to find out better ways to occupy their time than jumping aboard another handy band wagon of publicity attached to a hot topic.

June Jones - A contract fitting his success. It will probably take some time, and no doubt the amount will cause controversy on upper campus and among taxpayers who cringe at the thought of a state employee pulling in more than $1 million a year. But life isn’t fair, and the market suggests he is in line for a nice raise.

Kaipo-Noa KaheakuEnhada - Fair winds and following seas - the traditional best wishes to generations of sailors. The talented quarterback from Kapolei still has a year left at the Naval Academy but faces an unknown future in defense of his country. Here’s a Christmas wish to keep him safe wherever he may be deployed, and continued success against Army.

Jessica Simpson - A pink No. 24 Georgia jersey and tickets to the Sugar Bowl. If Terrell Owens is correct in his assessment that the greatest thing to happen to a pair of Daisy Dukes since, well, Daisy Duke, is a huge distraction to helmet-clad athletes, there can hardly a better present for Hawaii fans. Just in case we should get her No. 7 jersey as well. If Owens is wrong, there is always room for her to squeeze into the press box at Aloha Stadium.

Roger Clemens - The phone number of Mark McGwire’s real estate agent. If the greatest pitcher of his generation cannot convince a skeptical public of his innocence, no one will be better able to hide him than the guy who helped Big Mac disappear off the face of the Earth.

Isiah Thomas and Matt Millen - Nothing. They are rich, famous, utterly horrendous at their jobs, and yet their employment - at least for Millen - is totally secure. Sorry, Ikaika.

Chris Simon - Therapy. The 30-day suspension - the longest in NHL history - was handed to the Islanders’ enforcer after he stomped on the leg of the Penguins’ Jarkko Ruutu on Dec. 19. In March, Simon was suspended for 25 games after he slashed the Rangers’ Ryan Hollweg in the face. Simon gets paid to be a tough guy, but his bouts with uncontrolled rage on the ice are a real danger. He needs help.

Arthur Blank - Anti-venom. The Falcons’ owner is snake-bitten. First his franchise QB is sent to prison for running a dogfighting ring, then his head coach skips town after figuring it’s the best way to help his pathetic squad, and finally the Big Tuna decides it’s safer swimming with Dolphins. One has to wonder when the karma train is going to reverse course.

Roddy White - A copy of Crime and Punishment. The Falcons’ wide receiver, who was hit with a $10,000 fine for showing off a “Free Mike Vick” shirt under his jersey, could benefit from a few nights reading about the moral dilemma associated with heinous crimes. Alge Crumpler, DeAngelo Hall and Chris Houston may want to borrow it after.

Herman Frazier - A calendar. Failing to realize the old adage that time is money has cost the football team scheduling respectability and the basketball team a couple of players. Any delay in re-signing Jones will just give his detractors more fuel for their ire.

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