When Only A Whizzinator Will Do

Steve Murray
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Wednesday - May 18, 2005
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Once in a while a benefit comes from doing weekly police reports.

I’m not talking about free passes on speeding tickets, but the opportunity to get access to behind the scene information. Such as what happened in the case involving Vikings’ running back Onterrio Smith, who was stopped at the Minneapolis St. Paul International Airport for some suspicious articles in his luggage. A call to the Kaneohe station results in a few communiques among the men in blue ,and before you know it, a transcript made from the security tape of Smith’s shopping spree magically appears.

Smith: Um, yes I am looking for a gift for ... um ... my cousin.

Salesclerk: Well you certainly came to the right place. What can we help you with?.

Smith:Well, my cousin has a test coming up that he might need some help with.

Salesclerk: Sir. Let your cousin be assured that the Original Whizzinator will help him pass the hardest test.

Smith: Um… is it effective?

Salesclerk: Sir, the Original Whizzinator fits comfortably, is easy to use and comes in an assortment of colors; white, tan, latino, brown and black.

Smith: So what do I, er, what does my cousin do with it?

Salesclerk: It’s simple sir. Just mix the solution with 80 cc.’s of water and inject the mixture into the bag. Make sure the clip valve is shut. Attach the bag to your leg or use complimentary heat pack to raise the sample to appropriate temperature. Then just strap on the devise and you’re ready to go! Just make sure you practice a few times.

Smith: What if it doesn’t work?

Salesclerk: Sir, all components of the Original Whizzinator are guaranteed for a full 30 days. If something does go wrong just return it for a full refund.

Smith: How do I, um, how does my cousin know that the sample he turns in won’t turn out to be three ounces of ginger ale?

Salesclerk: Everything is safe and proven to work. The dried sample has been laboratory tested using Ames Multistix, EMIT and gas chromatography methods and full spectrum urinalysis methods. This stuff is the real McCoy!

Smith: What kind of response have you gotten?

Salesclerk: I’m glad you asked. Let me read you some of the comments we’ve received in the last few months.

“I was sweating it out on the day of my test, but the Whizzinator came through big time.” -John from L.A.

“I was curious at first but then I tried it and it blew me away!” -Adam from Des Moines.

“I have to test while being observed, and not only was it undetectable, but I passed with flying colors. This product is amazing! Thanks again!” - Murcel from Calgary.

Smith: That’s pretty impressive.

Salesclerk:We’re very proud of the Original Whizzinator sir. It’s the best $150 your cousin will ever spend.

Smith: And refills?

Salesclerk: Only $7.50 and they can be shipped overnight.

Smith: OK, look. My cousin is kind of a famous person who is held in high esteem in the community. In fact you could call him a leader. How can I be sure that his good name will not be ruined?

Salesclerk: Sir, we understand that nothing is more important then the privacy of our customers. The Original Whizzinator guarantees it will not sell or distribute any of your personal information and that any future shipments will be delivered in a plain brown wrapper.

Smith: You guys thought of everything! I’ll take one. Extralarge.

Salesclerk: It’s the only size we sel, sir.

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