Have A Liberal Holiday, Mr. President
Wednesday - December 30, 2009
Dear Mr. President, Last year I wrote to invite you to spend your Christmas vacation as President-elect in my comfortable, though certainly not palatial, home in Pearl City, Oahu, Hawaii.
I reckoned that, given your long campaign among uncertain audiences - Republican, Independent and even Democratic (oh, those Clinton loyalists, they just wouldn’t give up, would they?) you would take comfort in a community whose records show that the last Republican to live in its precincts died in ... well, come to think of it, records show that no Republicans ever lived here.
I offered you the run of the house: its master bedroom, its not-so-masterly bathroom, its lovely Christmas decorations, Grandma Phyllis’s ironing skills, its laundry-lanai secret cigarette cache and so much, much more.
In reply, I received nothing at all. Nothing. Not a call. Not a note. Not a “Hallo” from your passing limo.
That hurt, Mr. President. That hurt.
Instead, despite my warnings, you stayed over in Kailua - a community wherein Democrats are still referred to as %)(@#+$ Bolsheviks and Commies, while residents of Kailua, in e-mails and letters, routinely question a liberal’s sexual preferences. Trust me on this, Mr. President. I know.
But you paid a price for your rejection of a liberal’s hospitality. If my memory serves me correctly, it rained every single day of your vacation last year. And one night an electrical storm knocked out the power in your $8,000-per-night Kailua vacation rental.
Mr. President, I have it on good authority that all that rain and that electrical storm were God’s punishment for your apostasy - for your choosing an $8,000-per-night vacation rental located on a beach amidst the homes of Republicans over the modest but welcoming (and cheap) home of a devoted liberal. God is, Mr. President, despite all Rev.
Billy Bobs’preaching, a liberal and a Democrat.
Oh, I admit, over your morning coffee you would have had to listen to me offering you advice - and over lunch and dinner - and through the bathroom door while you were shaving. I am, after all, a political columnist and a professor by professions.
But it would have been good advice. I would have warned you about those Washington Republicans. They’re muggers - every last one of them. Don’t let the smiling, kindly Olympia Snowe fool you. That GOP has moved so far right, none of its members can even see the middle in the distance anymore.
“So don’t waste your breath,” I would have told you. “They’ll come down to the White House, eat your food, smile a lot, then go before the cameras and accuse you of everything short of child abuse and white slavery.”
Would I have been wrong, Mr. President? Huh? Huh?
Or I might have arranged a lunch for you with my friend - the late, very great Ah Quon McElrath. AQ would have grabbed you by your youthful lapels and, in accents and English that would humble even a Punahou, Columbia and Harvard Law graduate, said: “Obama, single-payer healthcare is the only way to go. Anything else is nothing but nibbling around the edges. Take those oratorical skills of yours and go out and sell it.”
AQ respected your speaking ability, Mr. President. You are almost as eloquent as she was.
But I see by the papers that you’ve chosen, once again, to stay in Kailua. OK. All right. It’s a mistake, but I’ll get over it.
I’ll tell you what, Mr. President. I’ll give you one more chance. You’ll be receiving your MidWeek on the Tuesday or Wednesday before New Year’s Eve. Herewith, I’m inviting you to gather your lovely family and the Secret Service detail, rev up the motor-cade, and drive over to Hoolauae Street in Aiea for our ohana’s annual New Year’s Eve Party.
It’s sit down, the food and wine excellent. It’s even on the elegant side - not by Washington or Kailua standards, perhaps, but elegant. Aiea isn’t Pearl City, so there may be a couple of Republicans at the table, but they voted for you last fall. And neither has yet recanted.
Just drop me an e-mail. Aloha, Dan Boylan, Proprietor, Mostly Politics
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