Looking For A Non-crazy Woman
Wednesday - October 01, 2008
In the interest of fairness (and at the request of several readers of The Young View), men, it’s time I talk about finding the wife who’s right for you.
In July I wrote about a 79-year-old Catholic priest, Father Pat Connor, who has been lecturing female high school seniors for more than 40 years on “Whom Not to Marry.”
Connor names a host of things to be wary of, including never marrying a man who has no friends, a man with no sense of humor, a mama’s boy or someone who can’t communicate. He warns women not to marry someone they need to fix, someone who has dissimilar religious or financial beliefs, or someone who has a bad attitude toward women in general.
But who says women are the only ones who need coaching about the hazards of finding the right mate?
Male readers have asked me on more than one occasion, “Where are all the good women? The non-crazy ones?” This seems to be the main complaint - men say females in Hawaii are either already married or nuts. That’s quite an extreme.
But just as generations of women have searched for the ideal husband, men are also out there looking for the model wife.
Again, I say, there are no guarantees. But according to Rosemary Adam-Terem, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and Hawaii Psychological Association president-elect, much of what applies to women looking for a good husband applies equally to men looking for a good wife.
The first myth may be that the differences that draw you to someone in the beginning may not make for a long-lasting relationship.
“People like people who are like them in many ways,” says Adam-Terem. “At first, those alluring differences seem very appealing, but their charm often wears off. The early bird doesn’t really do that well with the night owl. Core values need to match. Priorities need to be similar.”
Things like religion, money and family values are major life issues about which you and your partner should have similar ideas.
Adam-Terem also cites the book by Dr. Robin L. Smith, Lies at the Altar, which guides couples through the big issues and helps them examine their views so there are fewer surprises.
“Men looking for their ideal mate need to look at what they think a marriage is and what the roles are of husband and wife,” says Adam-Terem. “Some men have the belief that they are automatically the head of the household, will have the bigger income, get to make the big decisions and will be treated as a hero when they come home ...”
She maintains that while a woman might be happy to do this in the courtship phase of a relationship, she may not think that is how it’s always going to be.
“What if she works too?” says Adam-Terem. “Eighty percent of married women in Hawaii are in the work force. What happens when they have children?”
She also notes that some women expect men to do “man jobs” - the yard, the garbage, the cars, the fixing of things. But what if the man doesn’t know how to do these things or doesn’t like to do them?
“Expectations based on even subconsciously held beliefs create unhappiness if they are not met,” explains Adam-Terem.
What it comes down to for both sexes is making sure your core values, partner expectations and life priorities are in sync.
Guys, you might think you’re meeting only the “crazies” out there, but why not stop and take a moment to think about the kind of woman you’re attracted to? Think about the kind of things that you really want and expect in a relationship before you get out there and date women who obviously aren’t a right match for you.
It’s no easy task, I know. But don’t give up hope. There must be some good ones left. After all, there are just as many women out there complaining they can’t find a good man as there are men complaining they can’t find a good woman.
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