A Plea From The Mom Of Gay Son

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Wednesday - July 07, 2010

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My dear readers, thank you so much for your feedback on my columns on the civil unions bill and gay rights in general. For those who hated what I had to say, we’ll have to do the “agree to disagree” thing.

For those who e-mailed your support and your own hopes for the future, mahalo nui loa. We share a similar vision for our state and for our country. Ultimately, I have to put my faith in the power and inevitability of social progress and change.

Here is one last letter I’d like to share with you, from the mother of a gay son. Her eloquence moved me to tears.

Dear Jade, When I found out my son is gay, I was shocked, scared, guilty and worried. How is he going to survive in this world where there is so much hatred toward gay people? What did I do wrong in raising him to be gay? Is it because I fed him soy milk when he was a baby? Why did God create him to be gay if gay is ‘bad’?

All these questions came to my mind. Like you mentioned in your column, we are born as what we are. If you ask me to change my sexual orientation from straight to gay, is this possible? Same vice versa.

I could not tell my in-laws about my son because they are anti-gay. They discussed who they don’t want to vote for because the person supported HB444. My husband and I just kind of sat there and listened. It’s very painful for me.

My son is an outstanding personality both in school and at home. He is accomplished in high school, worked very hard, graduated from a prestigious university on the Mainland. He is also very sociable, sensitive and kind to others. He doesn’t have a partner but would like to eventually.

At church, I am hearing the gay bashing homily and wondered if God really thinks the same way. Christians are supposed to show compassion and love. When it comes to gay issues, the church attacks them vehemently. My son didn’t choose to be gay. He could-n’t go to church anymore since he would be hearing the negative sermons about gays.

Think of it this way. Say if you are a Democrat, you would not be comfortable to be in a party where the Republicans are saying lies about the Democratic candidate and attacking the person. For gay people, they are constantly having to endure such remarks and persecution in conversations. It’s difficult to bear.

Sometimes, I feel that if God granted every family a gay son or daughter, or a niece or nephew, then maybe we would have hope of changing the general attitudes toward gays.

Even if HB444 is vetoed, that’s OK. I just hope that people in general don’t foster the hateful attitude toward gays. That’s all I am asking.

Thank you. You and your husband are brave and good parents. Your son sounds like a wonderful human being. And your family is a living example of a basic truth: Sexual orientation does not define us. Love does.