Coming Out Of The Closet

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Wednesday - September 13, 2006

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In married life, I have found that mistakes are unavoidable. Where my wife is concerned, I am constantly screwing up. In fact, I do it so much that when we get up every morning I apologize. That’s in advance of something I will likely do, so this is a blanket coverage apology.

It’s tough, because I never lie to my wife. While finding excuses for some of the things I’ve done are not technically lies, they are an enormous stretch of the imagination. This all goes back to an incident where I decided to do her a favor: clean and organize her purse.

My intentions were good, but doing that was the equivalent of dumping a bucket of water on her hair. I’m not sure what I was thinking when I did that, but she was mad. Can’t say that I blame her, as I’m sure I wouldn’t want her organizing my tools or all the things I have in my “stuff” drawer.

Since then, I am careful not to clean up after her, organize her things and, God forbid, straighten out her closet. The other week, I took off on a Monday to handle some personal family business.

Everyone had left the house, so before I left to take care of business, I decided to straighten up after myself and clean up our bedroom. There were three empty hangers on the bed, so I opened my wife’s closet and forced them on the rod between her outfits. No big deal.

That evening everyone had come home at the same time. When my wife went to open her closet, all I could hear was this, at the same volume you would play Metallica, “Ron, did you touch my closet!?” Apparently, the entire rod collapsed, pulling down her shelves, leaving all her clothes in a giant pile on the closet floor.

And although I didn’t think that the addition of three hangers was enough to cause this disaster, I couldn’t lie about it either. Just then, the news came on saying that there was an earthquake in the islands. I simply pointed to the TV screen and kept my mouth shut.

Man, I must be living right.