Victims No More
These four survivors of domestic abuse tell their stories, and reach out to abused women with a simple message
By Alice Keesing
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three murders in Hawaii was committed by an intimate partner. Tragically, the Hawaii State Coalition Against Domestic Violence marked the beginning of October - which is domestic violence awareness month - with a silent march calling attention to the death of an Ewa Beach woman, who was allegedly asphyxiated by her estranged husband. It was the sixth murder attributed to domestic violence in Hawaii this year - the highest it has been in several years.
Experts also worry about the future. More than 10 percent of high school students reported that they were hit, slapped or physically hurt by a boyfriend or girlfriend in the last year, suggesting that the problem may worsen in the future, says coalition executive director Carol Lee.
Former Miss Hawaii USA Juliet Lighter knows how bad it can get. For three years she says a high school boyfriend battered her and controlled her - and she was too young to know how to get help.
“A lot of times local girls think when a young guy is possessive or speaking down to them, they think, ‘Oh, well, he’s showing me that he loves me.‘That is the complete opposite,” she says. “When he’s verbally abusive, or stops you going out with your friends, or tells you what to wear, it’s not that the guy loves you - he has issues and he wants to control you.”
Lighter says her boyfriend isolated her from everybody.
“That really breaks you down,” she says. ”It gets to the point where they call you ugly and fat and you start to believe it. And if I didn’t do things the way he wanted, that was a slap or a push or a punch.”
The worst violence came as the relationship was breaking up, Lighter says. She was driving away in her truck, and says her ex smashed nearly all the windows in the vehicle before he got in and started beating her. Lighter says she was left with injuries to her neck, collarbone and back that took five months of physical therapy to heal. Lighter took him to court where he was found not guilty.
It is because of this past that Lighter is launching her own foundation to help young people fight domestic violence.
“My goal is to educate and empower young women in high school and college to take a stand in the community against domestic violence,” says Lighter, who envisions teams of students who will go out to schools and talk with their peers about the issues and warning signs.
On Nov. 11, Lighter will hold the first fundraiser for her foundation with an evening entertainment event at the Honolulu Design Center.
(For more information, e-mail her at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) or visit her My Space page.)
One of the key reasons that these women are speaking out is they want others to know that there are ways out and that life can be good again.
They want other victims to know this because they also know it can be so hard to leave. It is often the case, Lee notes, that murders in a domestic violence situation occur when the victim is trying to leave.
Alison Stewart knew the risks, but recalls how one day she realized she’d rather be dead trying to leave than dead while staying in her relationship.
She got out. It wasn’t easy. But the freedom was worth it.
“The first thing I did when I left him was I went out and bought myself a bottle of perfume and then I went straight to the recruiter’s office to join the Air Force,” she says.
“It felt so good.”
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